This is a very touchy subject with most women but I write this post for the ones that had a difficult time breastfeeding. The only stories I had heard about breastfeeding were positive ones which made my particular journey really tough. Recently, I read a similar story on one of the many blogs I follow and was relieved that someone else had issues too. Too often women judge other women which really just drives us all mad right?!
Before Jackson was born (see previous posts) I was going to breastfed 100%. Honestly, I almost didn't buy bottles because why would I need them? I bought a decent pump because I wasn't really going to use it that much right? (ha.ha.) I read all the books, took the class and felt pretty confident about it. I admit I was judging other moms who didn't/couldn't because my book said it was easy!!
In the hospital, Jackson latched on fine but would continually unlatch, scream/cry, relatch, fall asleep. Jamie and the nurse spent the whole time putting cold water on him or poking him, undressing him, or changing his diaper to wake him up. The first day my nipples were bleeding. But hey this is normal right? I didn't know. I spent every day requesting the lactation consultants and speaking with the nurses who were all giving me different advice and telling me he was doing great! Through our stay I was getting more and more worried because he was so "unorganized" (they called him that but it was normal...). I pulled out my breastfeeding book and read it the whole time we were in the hospital.
We were discharged with the "he is doing great you will have no problems!". hahaha oh boy so the journey continued- latching, unlatching, screaming/crying, sleeping, bloody nipples. He would cry and cry every time we breastfed so I would cry right along with him. Everything was painful (I mean he was relatching at least 20 times each feed which lasted an hour at least). WE (Jamie, Jackson and I ) were miserable. Miserable. And then you get the advice.... Keep trying, you aren't trying hard enough, it will get better........ So we went to our first ped appointment and he was down to five pounds. FIVE POUNDS. I don't care if that is normal, no one wants to hear that their baby is down to five pounds in four days. We were then scheduled for a weight check in three days and I was told to feed him as much as possible. Insert tears here. I was already feeding him all the time now what? And I was in some serious pain.
And that's when I started pumping. And what would you know he gulped that bottle down NO CRYING and was content. Mind you I was pumping blood the first few times because of the major damage being done to the nips and pumping was very painful. And what would you know he put on a lot of weight! Of course the pediatrician told me to keep trying to breastfeed because it would be easier. Everyone kept telling me to KEEP TRYING and that I was just XYZ because I was a first time mother. This is what really makes me frustrated because I knew my gut was telling me one thing but I was feeling a lot pressure to do what was considered "right" and best for Jackson. I then decided I was going to pump as much as I could and store it so I could quit breastfeeding sooner. Although the pumping eliminating a lot of the issues we were still dealing with some.
So I did try again to breastfeed and it went horribly. I remember telling Jamie he just ate for 50 minutes! I was so proud. And then literally two seconds later he was screaming because he was hungry. He ate 3-4 ounces- at a week old... That's not right. If he breastfed for an hour there is no way he could eat that much right after. That's when I said we are done with it! He is obviously not getting much from the breast and he's happier with the bottle. So I start exclusively pumping (which is actually much more common than one might think).
Three weeks in I got mastitis. I couldn't figure out why I was freezing cold with two sweatshirts on.. and then I had the night sweats, I took my temperature and realized something was wrong. At first I thought I had the flu but after sitting at the doctor's office for TWO hours with my newborn, I found out I had mastitis. When you have mastitis not only do you feel like death your breasts hurt but the only way to get rid of it was to feed/pump as much as possible. More crying. And then I had clogged ducts, etc. Anything negative associated with breastfeeding I got. So not only was I in pain, I was really miserable and of course still getting the "advice" and judgements. I finally started listening to my mom and friend who said a happy mommy = happy baby. I gradually started weaning and quit. And all the pain went away. I was finally able to workout, sleep, do anything without pain. I was happy feeding Jackson with the bottle and not having to pump afterwards. It was when I quit breastfeeding I felt that bond with Jackson. We still sit with the boppy and cuddle while he eats. And no one can tell me that our bond could be stronger if I breastfed. I know plenty of mothers who breastfed that don't feel the same bond and attachment that I have for Jackson so I think we can eliminate that "myth" on breastfeeding... along with others but I won't go there. We are all much happier now. Is breastfeeding ideal? Sure but it doesn't work out for everyone and formula was made for a reason. Of course I will try again with the next baby but I'm going to do what is best for us and not listen to others.
Food Allergies:
Although he was eating and gaining weight, he was still very unhappy, gassy, uncomfortable baby. He literally cried ALL the time, especially when I would pump which is really stressful because you can really hold a baby and pump at the same time- this created my hatred for the pump. The pediatrician suggested I eliminate dairy from my diet but just the big ones- cheese, milk, yogurt, etc. And I did and saw absolutely no changes except for the fact that I was eating next to nothing and I couldn't believe that I was really getting the nutrients for Jackson but hey whatever. So to make a long story short if you have followed my blog you know that Jackson has a very severe allergy to EGG and soy. The whole time I was being pressured to continue feeding Jackson, I was causing him to be in some serious tummy pain. And after months of trying everything we are still on prescription formula and he can have absolutely no traces of EGG or soy. Insert major mommy guilt. When we finally got all of the dairy (we didn't know egg at the time) and soy out of his diet he changed into a whole new baby. Happy happy happy and rarely cried. I remember calling Jamie and telling him, "he didn't cry today, I don't know if this was a fluke or not?" While he was in pain for the first two month of his life, I could have easily put my foot down and fed him formula. But I am a first time mother so I had no idea. And I do know that other mothers continue to feed their MSPI babies by using an elimination diet and maybe I will try that with the next one but I'm finding out that all I could eat is sweet potatoes, broccoli, and beets... how long would that have taken to figure out? Not to mention I still question how good is it for your baby if your hardly eating?
Now stepping back and being crazy hormone free there are a few things I know. 1. Jackson has a mild tongue tie which was causing him to mash at the nipple rather than pull and suck. We had a lot of issues with bottle feeding that I will save for another day but he can only use one brand and has had a really hard time progressing through the nipples 1-2-3. This is why I had bloody nipples ALL the time. 2. The pediatrician thinks a big part was his severe allergies. Every time he ate it was making him feel bad which was making him upset :( 3. Next time I will buy a different pump! Apparently you shouldn't be in pain all the time...
Do I feel like I failed? 100% I have struggled with this guilt of not breastfeeding for probably the first 6 months of his life. I used to have dreams that I could do it. Do I still feel judged? Absolutely. I hate when people ask are you nursing? I feel like I have to make excuses. But now I just say nope. It wasn't going well and he has severe allergies. Of course then they ask more questions which is more annoying but whatever. But surprisingly I will get mothers who say omg I hated nursing and I had no issues or I know so and so who had the same problem. I hate the thought that the one thing I couldn't do was FEED my baby. That's really my main job and guess what? I couldn't do it. Do I think this has made me less of a mother? Heck no! I would cut off my right arm for Jackson. He is the most loved baby! I know I'm not perfect but I am def. trying my hardest!
The morale here is next time you judge someone for not nursing you probably don't know the whole story (I know there is going to be that one person who says, "I had the same issues and still did it for 16 years"..). And if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out. The sooner you get rid of the guilt the better mom you can be! And formula is not poison- it was made for a reason, back in the day their were wet nurses this has been happening forever.
There you have it. My honest story now be nice!!
